A review by Mike Shea Movie Rating: ( 0) DVD Rating: ( * · · · · )
Never have I watched a movie that was so designed to make me feel bad for having a penis. Never have I seen a movie that is so adamant at having a main character seek out misery in the face of so much happiness. Never have I seen a movie with such a weak ending. Never have I seen such a lousy video transfer of a new film. Portrait of a Lady is the worst movie I have ever seen.
Portrait of a Lady is a movie that seems to have been written with some basic rules about it. Rule 1: men suck. Rule 2: Nicole Kidman crying for two hours is great acting. Rule 3: The use of slow motion removes the need for an ending. Rule 4: If punching a woman is too boring a form of marital abuse, try brushing her vigorously with your forehead. Rule 5: Men dying of tuberculosis are sexy, but only when they are on their sweaty pale death beds. Until then, they make great people to cry to when you have too many men in love with you, but are not sexy enough to sleep with.
One has to wonder what director Jane Campion has against the male sex. Whatever it is, she managed to encompass the film equivalent of castration. All men are either villains or weak. All women are constantly beaten down, forced to wear corsets, and are fully justified to pick the worst possible men to be with. With every frame of this two-hour-too-long picture, she mashes in every possible anti-male message possible. Like Nora Ephron, writer of You Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, and When Harry Met Sally, the women are given accolades for adultery and choosing the worst men because they must "follow their heart". Love is shown as an unescapable passion, not a decision. John Malcovich has a good role until you realize it is exactly the same role he had in Dangerous Liaisons, a far far better movie.
The DVD's picture was so bad I actually took down my projector for a cleaning it didn't need (obviously not 16x9 enhanced). The sound, while acceptable, doesn't help pull this war-of-the-sexes bazooka out from the anti-XY chromosome propaganda that it is. There are no extras.
If you accidently stared at a woman longer than you should have and you need to make penance, or you related a bit too much to the correct answer in Jason Lees visual exercise in Chasing Amy (was I being too obscure?) than see this movie. Otherwise, be secure in yourself as a well adjusted member of society and go check out Desperado again.
From: Alma Greenleaf ( blondcherry2@aol.com ) on 23 August 2003
Subject: Portrait of a lady
OK. This movie is a one way ticket to torture!!!!! If you are lonely depressed and need some cheering up-------go get a root canal!!!! Dental surgery is much less painful than this abomination of a movie!! Not only was it aganizingly slow---it was pointless! The ending left you hanging to the point that you wish you were hanging and u are motivated to burn your television and every possible copy of this movie in the united states!!! Nicole Kidman is a fabulous actress...but she chose a movie more frustrating than 4 hour traffic!! Oh yeah and her hair...what was with that?!!...i mean can we get the girl some Frizz Ease!!!! I pity any poor lost soul who ventures to the movie store and naively picks up what could be the cause of their death! Suicide rates probably were probably notched up a couple percents or so after this film. I recommend you have a pal or supporter wth you. Dont watch this movie alone.
From: Chloe Jones ( jonesy_451981@yahoo.co.uk ) on 17 August 2002
Subject: You obviously haven't read the book
You know, long before this was a movie, it was an absolutely fantastic novel. Perhaps you should read the novel to get a better understanding of what the story was actually about, as it seems you clearly don't get it. The movie wasn't created to make you feel bad for being a man, nor was it made to make women look like gluttons for punishment, but rather it refers to the traditional role of women in Victorian society and the inherent manipulative nature of love affairs and proposals in this era. And, by the way, I'm a well adjusted member of society, despite what your review may have said. Being well adjusted does not equate being insensitive.
From: Mark Kelly ( dikelmm@mindspring.com ) on 5 October 2000
Subject: Portrait
Come on, you KNOW you liked it.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License. You are free to copy, distribute, display, and make derivative works under the conditions that you give the original author credit and you not use this work for commercial purposes.
From: Mike ( mshea@liquidtheater.com ) on 24 August 2003
Subject: Feeling strongly
There is nothing like twenty four explination points to get your thoughts across.