Charlies Angels

A friend of mine once took a Chinese fighting muffin in the chest; they sent him home in four Ziplock bags.

A review by Mike Shea   Movie Rating: ( * · · · · )    DVD Rating: ( * * * * · )

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The reviews i had heard of Charlie's Angels were generally split. Some said it was campy and satiric while others said they couldn't get past the first ten minutes. Knowing it violated at least two movie rules, I was going to give it a miss until my sadistic friends forced sixteen Mountain Dews down me and told me that if I didn't watch it, I couldn't use the can. So how was it you ask? Well, let me clear up any doubt. This movie sucks with a capital S.

Charlie's Angels violates four movie rules in the first fifteen minutes. They include the no-friends rule (Joey is in it), the no 50s 60s or 70s TV show rule, the no movies based on hot chicks rule, and a pretty big violation of the Gremlins rule with a completely impossible parachute jump from a 747, to a speed boat. There are times where movies can get special wavers for satire, but this movie never earned them. The racial stereotypes, horrible sub-plots and idiotic characters never brought me out of the realm of hating this movie. In brief this movie violated the most important movie rule I have, it treated me like an idiot.

Crispin Glover from Back to the Future had a good role as the henchman Creepy Thin Guy, and some wired martial arts sequences helped move the action scenes a bit. And yes, you do get your share of cleavage in this movie, but if this is why you are watching it, I have a whole other set of movies for you that get much more to the point.

I actually watched the high definition version of Charlie's Angels on a friends fancy HDTV, but from what I understand of the DVD it is on par with the kind of DVDs we would expect from a new blockbuster wannabe. It has a 2.35 to 1 16x9 enhanced picture and a Dolby Digital 5.1 sound-track. There are out-takes, deleted scenes and a directors commentary also included. Frankly with this one it is all overkill, a directors commentary is only worth while if the movie is worth a damn. This one isn't.

I tried to think up a strong finish for this one but all I could come up with is "Fucking Charlie's Angels!" The movie attempts to justify itself with satire and expensive action sequences. We simply can't forget that all movies need to be compared with any movie you would watch instead, and in the grand scheme of things, Charlie's Angels isn't worth the film it was pressed on much less two hours of our time. Give this one a miss.