A review by Mike Shea Movie Rating: ( 0) DVD Rating: ( 0)
Alien seed proves that you dont need much to make a horrible movie. Unlike Sphere and Godzilla, Alien Seed manages to get a solid 0 on a shoe string budget. It also follows ten basic guidelines for movie making that should be way up front in every bad directors guidebook. Get out your notebook, here they are. Number one, the word bra has no place in movies, just say no to support. Second, why hire a musical director when a Casio SK 1 has all those built in theme songs! Save your money for Erik Estrada. Third, hire Erik Estrada to play the evil Dr. Stone (I wonder what his degree is in?) from MJ-12, a government organization that "takes care of space aliens". This will get you all the "Chips" fans and effectively quadruple your gross. Fourth, dont blow up a car unless it is your sisters broken down VW Bug. Five, for safety during stunts, use lots of old car tires to fall over, around and into. Six, make sure to put in a scene in a strip bar within the first five minutes of the movie and revisit it at least every 20 minutes to keep your audience watching. Seven, killing someone hanging on barbed wire is cool. Use great character development lines like "He knows all about Space!". Eight, F continuity. Dont waste all your film making sure the outside and inside shots of a car chase are either in a city or in the country, just show the shots regardless of where they are. Nine, hire your lead actor from the results of a George Michael look alike contest and make sure he NEVER takes off the aviator glasses. Ten, make sure to clearly separate your villains from your heros by giving the villains sunglasses all the time. As far as pressing a DVD, follow these rules. Dont worry about a fancy 5.1 soundtrack, we only have two ears right? Mono has worked fine for hundreds of years, dont push a good thing. Make sure not to limit your audience by tailoring to those with intelligence, matte in full frame 4x3 to 1. Nobody likes the black bars. Three, extras take away from the awesome mpeg 1 decoding. Make sure to save space for some high resolution shots of Erik Estradas 1980s haircut. If you follow these rules, you are sure to get an audience who will watch at least 1/4 of your film and will only miss the bulb life they spent for a couple of days. That is how to make a true bad film.