Gone in Sixty Seconds

I'm not gonna mess around with someone who plays with dog shit!

A review by Mike Shea   Movie Rating: ( * · · · · )    DVD Rating: ( * * * * · )

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As our main character has gone after his old man car for his entire career, so have I longed for a movie that lets me hammer on Jerry Bruckheimer with the power of a car compactor or a dog filled with liquer and ex-lax (both are in this film). Seconds is supposed to be a movie about stealing cars, but ends up being a movie about subplots. We shouldn't be expecting less, though, since even his movie about women dancing on tables includes deep emotional father daughter scenes. Most of the budget was spent on some high priced talent as well as some high priced autos, so they had a choice of spending the remainder on either a well developed story or a Burger King value meal. It appears they took the latter. Seconds is the car movie equivalant of Mission Impossible 2. You think when John Woo would make a spy movie, you wouldn't be able to look at a gun for a week because your mind can only take so many in two hours. But instead we got three action scenes. In this movie about stealing cars, the first real car gets stolen at the one hour two minute mark and only ONE car chase. One. Ronin, a movie about leather jackets, had four car chases and wasn't even about cars! Seconds is rittled with sub plots and old relationships brought back including hero with old girlfriend, hero with brother, hero with mom and hero with old cop. There is even a wacky black man, a trademark of Bruckheimer films as well as scenes of scatology. Angelina Jolie comes riding in on a crotch rocket just like Tom Cruise in Days of Thunder with the hint that you might get a shot of some breasts in between the subplots taking place around cars, but they never show.

When watching a movie you know is going to have the intelligence of bread mold, I highly recommend making up for it in volume. I did so with the Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack by turning it up about 5 to 10 decibels higher than THX recommends, but I frankly do not have the power in my 185 watt per channel amp to make up for the deep hole this movie has dug into my head. The 16x9 enhanced picture seemed good enough that even though the movie was ass, I still didn't take the projector down for a cleaning. I heard there were some special features on the DVD including a featurette called Bruckheimer which I would have liked to watch, but I am afraid of creating some form of anti-matter in my head to make up for the brain cells I would lose.

There is so much ass in this film I could write notebook upon notebook on it like the loon in Seven, but I must limit myself to this one page. Bruckheimer has unleashed movies like The Rock, Coyote Ugly and Con Air. Now we get Gone in 60 seconds. If there is a God, we will soon see Bruckheimers ugly mug here.